As many of you already know, I am now a college student. I live on campus, and for the most part I live the stereotypical Christian college life. I go to chapel on campus, my professors are believers, a lot of my friends are professing (if not practicing) Christians, we love to study at Starbucks (and other aesthetic coffee shops), we mostly eat at CFA,
(try to) take aesthetic insta photos, and drink through metal straws from oversized tumblers – #savetheturtles. My daily life is basically summed up like this (give or take): Get up, go to class, go to class, do homework, take a nap, go to class, take a nap, go to work, take a nap, do homework, go workout, hangout with friends until curfew, do homework, and go to sleep at a ridiculous hour of the morning because I slept too much during the day and now have no desire to sleep but also wake up so late that I’m almost late to my morning class because I have no desire to wake up because I’m emotionally and mentally exhausted.
I suppose you could say every day is a struggle, and I’m not going to sugarcoat it and say, “It’s gotten easier with time.” or “I’ve found my strength in Christ so I’m doing great!” or “I don’t struggle with THAT anymore.” or “I’m living my best life!”
Because the truth is, it hasn’t gotten easier with time, my strength IS in Christ but everyday is a struggle to remember that and rely on Him alone, I struggle with the same things I have for a while now and it’s frustrating, and all of this together means that I am, in fact, anything BUT living my best life.
Now, I’m not here to rain on anybody’s parade, and if you’re living a perfect life, good for you, and I hope you keep finding your happiness in the Lord, because that’s goals. But I am here to be honest and vulnerable, and honesty says that I am living a rather broken life – blessed, yes, but nonetheless broken.
I have found myself waking up each morning, struggling to see past myself and my doubts, struggling to get past my own mental and emotional blockades, struggling to embrace the day as a new one – fearing that it will be a repeat of one that I don’t want to remember but can’t seem to forget.
I have found myself waking up each morning, praying that God would help me pull through my struggles each day, rather than taking them away. Because I know He won’t, but I know He will be there with me in the meanwhile.
I have found myself slowly giving up in some areas – taking short cuts, making excuses, shortchanging myself in things that may have a lasting impact on my life.
I have found myself struggling to not shy away from hard work, to stay focused, to not appear depressed, to socialize, to mature spiritually and mentally, and to live a generally balanced life.
And I wish I could tell myself every day, “It’s all worth it because in the end I will be with whomever God wants me to be, and I will fulfill whatever calling He has for me.”
But I don’t tell myself that because I know people will come and go and fail me. I don’t tell myself that because, to an extent, I have lost my vision for the future. All the dreams I once had have grown dim. I see now only a shadow of what I once saw in perfect clarity.
But I know that God sees the complete tapestry of my life, for He weaved it Himself. So, although I don’t have any inspiring quotes or messages for you today, and even though I don’t really know what the point of this post is, I suppose I’ll just keep praying that the Lord will continue to give me my daily dose of struggles and strength because each is bringing me closer to Him. And as heartless as this may sound, I pray the same upon you because, in the end, it will result in your own personal growth.
What is something you struggle with on a daily basis?